LindseyMommy's Blog

My Life in the Sandbox

Thankful, again July 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 6:34 pm

Today we got really bad news.

One of my teammates, his daughter passed.   Yesterday she went to the ER, they found a blood clot on her lung.   Today she died.    He has three daughters, he raised himself, and they are his whole world.  He talks about them constantly, worships them. She was the youngest – 20 yrs old.

The email came out and all you heard around the office were gasps and sobs. 

I cannot imagine the heartache of losing a child.

Ava is my whole world. She is my everything.   

The painful reality is, anything can happen, at any time. You just don’t ever know.   You never, ever know.

I called her, at school, just to hear her voice, and tonight, I held her extra tight and kissed her cheeks lots extra.  I am so thankful for her.   She is everything to me.  

I cannot imagine what my friend is living through in this moment, this day.   Twenty years of raising this child into a woman.  How can you ever pick your life back up, how can you carry on, when your heart is that  broken.    What a nightmare. 

When my friend died, too young, she left three babies behind.  When a parent dies, the kids, they may be broken, but they can live. THey can have lives and families and bright futures.   How can a parent lose their child and have any hope, any happiness with that hole left in their life?

Any parent knows what I am talking about.  It is every parents worst nightmare, losing their child.  

I am so heavy with sadness and worry tonight.

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A little bit psychic – and, OW!!! July 21, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 7:01 am

Sometimes I am a little bit psychic.   I will get a little premonition when something’s about to go very wrong. I had one when Ava got hurt when she was small by a teacher at school.   I had one last night.  But I thought it was my husband who was going to get hurt.

I was climbing into the shower, right after Ava’s bath, and I slipped on the wet floor.  headfirst toward the tub.  Now, we just bought this house and there is a frame around the tub for shower doors – but no doors.  We’re going to take down the frame but haven’t gotten there yet.  My c section scar landed right on the edge of the frame.  head hit the tub.  I felt like my scar opened.    All I could do was scream.   And I couldn’t stop crying, not for almost an hour after – it was so frightening.  I laid there, caught, unable to move, thinking my belly had been sliced open.   It was awful.

It did open, a little, on the right side.  that’s how hard I hit, my 5 yr old scar came open a little.  I can barely move today.  Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.   Good thing I was scheduled for remote work today.

 

Friends July 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 9:47 pm

So it’s been quite a month of friendship activity…

An old friend, one that was with me through thick and thin throughout my whole life, and then “dropped out” suddenly two years ago, is back. And engaged. And we’re plugging along.  Figuring it out.  Proceeding cautiously.

And another old friend, one who was with me throughout my pregnancy and through Ava’s first four years, and I are ironing some things out between us.  Even a few other friends from this era are back in touch.  These women, they were my parenting partners.  I can’t imagine what my life alone with Ava would have been without them.   I am thankful to be chatting with all of them again. 
I’m thankful for them. 

I’m thankful that I have a friend at work who has been through so much with me these last few months.  She supports me. She lifts me up.  And it’s some heavy lifting these days.  Major. 

Thankful, thankful, thankful.

We’re happily in our new house, happily going about our little lives.  Ava is in her new daycare and gearing up for Kindergarten in a month. My baby’s getting big.

My work is killing me.  Seriously.  Even sometimes, like today, when I can make it through the day laughing at the incredibly extremely painful goings-on, when I sign on at night, something will kick my ass.  Hard.  Or just the events catch up with me and overwhelm me.    I feel so defeated, and knowing I have to get up again tomorrow and fight like hell, again, and be defeated, again.  I feel like I’m being eaten alive.  But my job is to fight. Literally, that’s why I get a paycheck.   To fight.

Blah.  I wish I still drank 🙂

 

So sorry… but I love fall. November 4, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 6:47 pm

Things here are insanely busy.  I’m working 24/7 and trying to get enough rest in between.

 

In the mornings, at 4, I’m driving in in the cool crisp air, the leaves are all changing colors, falling off the trees, everything is getting ready for winter. I love the chill in the air, I love the frosty air.  I love the foliage. I love New England in the fall.  I love just needing a fleece jacket, if any at all.

 

I don’t like the holiday season very much – I tend to dig my heels in, hard, before it comes.  And savor every moment with the leaves falling and the gorgeous sunrises after the time change.

 

So even though I’m literally going absolutely fucking mental at work these days, I love my time NOT at work all the more. 

 

Got the OPKs.  Am ovulating.  Will see what happens! 

 

I’ve had a lot of anger this week. But it seems once I hit a point of being angry, some undefined threshold of anger, things just roll off of me.  So I just need to learn how to better manage my anger till I get to that point (doesn’t take long!!!) 

 

I’m at the bosslady’s house tonight, for a couple of drinks and a debrief of this very intense week.  She’s on the phone, getting the skinny on some scoopage.  Soon, we’ll do some ab work and maybe watch a bit of my wedding video. 

 

Another thing that’s going on is that I’ve decided that with my christmas money, I’m getting electrolysis.  Brows. Stache.  Not eager for the pain, but glad for no more waxing, etc. 

 

 

 

Soul Mates. October 28, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 8:40 am

It’s a rainy day and mentally, all is not well.

 

I am happy to do this tribute today to those I love and who have such special meaning to me.

 

People in my life who are my soulmates:

 

Ava. She is such a mini me. She has all my attitude, all my passion, all the charisma, all the love that I have, intensified. I love that I can relate to the little ball of passion that she is and that I understand it, because, not everyone does. I love that she is my personality soul mate.

 

Mike. He is the yang to my yin. For every bit of passion I have, he has reservation. For all my emotion, he has calm and rationale. I’m so thankful that I truly have my other half. We are so good for each other. In that way, I think we’re soul mates.

 

Liz. Liz is my parenting soul mate. Together we entered motherhood, just days apart. Together we learned about instinct. We learned how to be mothers. We have very similar principles in raising our daughters. We balance each other out – we run scenarios by each other and what one might not see, the other does. Our focus, from Go, was our daughters. Every moment. We learned how to balance, over time, the importance of that focus as they have grown with their independence and the natural changes that the mother and child bond goes through as the children grow. I very rarely ever find another mother that shares my views as closely as Liz.

 

I’m probably not doing any of this justice, but here it is.

My soulmates. Those who have meant so much to me, and who I would not be the same without, and who I am lucky to have by my side.

 

Sucky, sucky night. October 22, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 7:27 pm

It’s so ironic that it could be funny.  If it were at all funny.

 

5.5 yrs ago, I had sex, one time, with a man I barely even liked, using protection, and I got pregnant. 

 

Now, we’ve just tried for four non-consecutive months to get pregnant.  No protection. Perfectly planned sex around ovulation.  And nothing.  Got my period again tonight.  Only four months.  I know.  Especially so soon after surgery in that area (March, to remove a dermoid – google image it, I dare ya). 

 

 

But I expected it to happen right away.  Based on my… history.

 

And it’s not happening.  And Ava gets older every month.  And I want a baby more, every single month.   

 

 

And Aunt Helen sent us a package with our wedding video and pictures.  And UPS lost it.  Confirmed tonight.

 

I am very, very, very cranky.  

 

It’s definitely going to be an eating-my-emotions kind of night. 

 

Thank goodness Juliemommy’s coming over…

 

To Be A Man

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 6:06 am

I have to spin this week’s assignment from Liz at Lizdom even more than last week’s.

 

What it means to be a man – As I have NO idea, what it means to be an actual man, and I don’t believe any man I know would spend time trying to articulate his “true” feelings about it to me, I am going to write….

 

 

“The Top Ten Reasons Why I Am The ‘Man’ In This Relationship”.

 

10. I. Do. Not. Cook.

9. I do not do dishes, either.

8. I believe all cleaning that occurs, occurs magically.

7. I do not write checks/ pay bills. That also occurs magically.

6. In the evenings, after the kid’s in bed, I do little else but watch TV and drink (and work on my laptop).

5. I really, really, REALLY don’t like to talk before/during/after sex.

4. Nor do I like to cuddle before/during/after sex.

3. I really think it’s funny when my kid curses. Mainly because she’s still tiny and she has no idea what she’s saying.

2. I see no reason why we cannot eat dinner in the living room.

1. I am always the one who initiates sex. Always.