LindseyMommy's Blog

My Life in the Sandbox

Thursday’s Assignment October 15, 2009

Filed under: Ava — lindseymommy @ 5:58 am

 

My longtime mommy friend Liz at Eternal Lizdom has invited me to participate in a group writing activity this week.  (Liz – did it work? did it work? my first bloggy hyperlink…)

 

The topic: What it Means to Be a Woman

 

I, for one, think this is tricky. What it means to be feminine? That I can write. What it means to be a wife? Same.

 

But a Woman. There are so few limitations here: The only way you can’t be a woman is if you happen to have a penis (and even then, should you be transgendered……… all bets are off.)

 

So then, I decided that I will interview those around me and ask them this question. “To you, what does it mean to be a woman? The first thing that comes to mind?” The answers I got were mostly lists of adjectives: nurturing, sexy, caregiving, multi tasking master, compassionate, strong pain tolerance, graceful. While these characteristics sure do represent aspects of women, they can represent men just as easily, I fear………….. I’d certainly use them if I were describing what feminine means….. They’re gray. My brain works only in black and white and this is a black and white question. Except I don’t really think it has a black and white answer. I’m also very literal. This question, phrased slightly differently – “What does it mean TO YOU to be a woman?” Would be an easy answer. Except that that’s not the question – the question is universal “What does it mean to be feminine” – and I cannot answer universally on this one.

 

So – I have to answer by tweaking the question, and describing MY first real understanding of what it means to be a woman:

 

Motherhood. My first encounter with my Femininity, with my womanhood, was motherhood. To carry life within my own body, to somehow, by some miracle, create a perfectly formed and whole person (with no input from me!). Who is born, miraculously, from the body created to birth it. Who drinks milk created from my very body, just for her.

 

A mother has an instinct, a life force, that is activated when that strip turns blue and multiplies the first time she hears her child’s heartbeat, and again when she sees the child on the ultrasound screen, and even more so when she then holds that child in her arms. Each event multiplies that force within her. A mother must have some semblance of compassion, of empathy, at the very  leaset a modicum of patience. Any of these attributes will grow as the child grows and the need presents itself. Another miracle. A mother understands that the most important thing she can do with her life is prepare her next generation for theirs. To be a mother is to love another more than you love yourself. To KNOW love, even.

 

Becoming a mother, feeling those little feet inside of my body, kick me, miraculously, that was when I understood womanhood. A woman is programmed to have organs that are intended to create, nurture, bring forth life, and then SUSTAIN that life.

 

To me, Womanhood is is best represented, then, by Motherhood.

 

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Funny. October 13, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 6:01 pm

Ava watches the Dixie Chicks “Shut up and Sing” documentary fairly frequently. She’s watching tonight after dance and gets to the part where Emily’s about to have the twins. She says “Mommy… do people get scared when they’re about to have a baby?”
“Yes, I think most people are a little scared.”
“Well that’s because you might get TWO!”
I laughed hysterically.
“But, Mommy, you get what you get, and you don’t get upset.”

 

Dance Your Cares Away (clap, clap!)

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 12:01 pm

 

Believe it or not (and some of you Won’t), once upon a time, I was the type of person who preferred to not be seen OR heard.

Believe it or not, throughout school, I’d get ill if a teacher so much as called on me to answer a question out loud. I vomited in front of my child development class when the teacher made me read my report in front of the room (and I had a crush on someone in the class, which made my usual nerves much more intensified.)

Now, while I still do not like crowds of people, and I lack the confidence to speak to crowds if I’m not comfortable with the subject matter, I really have grown quite fond of my voice and my presence.

Motherhood helped. I think becoming someone’s mother throws out a lot of one’s insecurities and boosts one’s confidence in a lot of ways. You become… different. Thrust into being an advocate for your self and your child from “go”.

But even more than that, this JOB has changed me. From a year and a half ago to now, my confidence is exponentially Huger. My Bosslady, and the force of this job, PUSH me to be loud, be the client’s advocate. Question others. Trust your gut. (You know what? It’s sounding an awful lot like motherhood after all!)

This last year I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight (more than 40 lbs). When I started at the gym a year ago, taking classes in the group exercise room was terrifying. The mirrors all over. The lean, muscular, athletic women all around me. Superior, they were. At least at the gym. Of course, as the weeks went by and I learned a little grace, a little poise, gained a little UMPH, things changed.

At the beginning of the summer, a new class came out on Tuesday mornings. 80s Dance Groove. I was petrified. It was one thing to lift weights, do jumping jacks, etc in front of others, but DANCE? Oye. IMMEDIATELY, I fell in love. While I’m still not the most graceful, not the thinnest, maybe I still don’t have the best…. rhythm. But over the 12 summer weeks, I improved, week by week. Learned the steps to the songs. Fell in the groove of shaking my hips, shimmying, even dancing with a pole (YES! a POLE!).

And now…….. it’s rolled out for the fall season too. And I’m in heaven every Tuesday morning, from 6:30 – 7:15. Watching myself bounce like a cheerleader to “Hey Mickey!”, glide “Like an Egyptian” and shake my stuff in “Vogue” in those huge wall to wall mirrors. I sweat like no one’s business. It takes a good hour for my face to calm down from fire engine red back to normal coloring. And I’m on a high all damn morning. There’s just nothing like that class. I am SURE I am no dancer. Not destined to quit my job and perform on stage. But there is just something to be said for letting go so completely so early in the morning and letting the endorphins take over and celebrating your form (no matter what that form is!) in the mirror.

(And, besides the point, but a tidbit: How about the fact that I sang 2 karaoke songs at my own wedding? That’ll show you how far I’ve come……..)

Today I leave work early and get to take my little daughter to HER dance class. While she is certainly as passionate as her mother by nature, she’s also equally as passionate about her own dance class. I pray that it helps me to teach her early on that her reflection is gorgeous. And worthwhile.

 

 

Baby’s first swear… October 12, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 8:14 pm

Not that she’s a baby.

 

She’s been  cut off from snacks between meals, at least temporarily.  She’ll whine about how hungry she is for hours between meals, but won’t eat at all when a meal (any meal besides those served at school, go figure)  is in front of her.

 

Normally, I give her a little snack on the ride home.  A little blood sugar increase equals a happy kid and therefore, a happy mom.  No more.  So, she was begging for her snack all the way home, and then at home, while I was cooking dinner (“QUICKLY!  VEWY VEWY FAST, MOM!”)  she followed me around begging:

A: Just a little chex mix?

M: Nope. 

A: Rats. ….  Just a little… banana? 

M: Nope.  Dinner will be ready soon.  Go turn on the tv (stellar parenting, right there)

A:  Rats.  Mommy?  How about some….

M: No, Ava.  No means no. 

A: Damn.

 

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 2:49 pm
The Girl I'm Shopping For.

The Girl I'm Shopping For.

 

Christmas is coming!

Filed under: Ava — lindseymommy @ 2:36 pm

Not for me, of course. I just had my birthday and engagement party in July, followed by a wedding in September. We received humbling amounts of love in the form of gifts that Santa, quite frankly, doesn’t owe me a damn thing this year.

 

But for my almost-five year old. Who needs NOTHING. Maybe a few more racially diverse barbies. Maybe some update art supplies and nail polish. Maybe some new books. I say this every single year: The child needs nothing. She is so happy to play with the dolls she has, the dress up clothes she has, the books she has, etc. While she goes nuts over every new (replacement) watercolor set I bring home, she really never asks for anything. Ever (except food). It’ll be a bunch of the small things listed above, with some Easy-Bake oven refills and the beautiful oversized purple Tink fleece blanket we already purchased.

 

I’d love to get her something that she’ll go crazy over. Something really special. But not in her lifetime, not for the life of me, have I been able to find that special something.

 

Ideas?

 

Mondays October 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 11:59 pm

About 16 months ago I started this job.  Since then, and  until very recently, I loooooved Mondays.  In a very abnormal way.  Mondays begin for me with interval training at the gym, and then – upstairs to work.  I loooooved my job. I still love a lot of pieces of it.  But it’s changed.

 

A month ago, our leader “disappeared”.  She has not been terminated, but she has not been in. She’s on “extended PTO”.  We know better. 

This week, Internal Audit comes in and will interview people.  They will do their review, and they will provide their reports.  Things will, inevitably, change even more than they have, since our leader, The Queen, vanished.  I’m not a person who does change very well.  But I like it even less when it’s sucky change, which is all that’s happened lately.

This last year’s been an adventure.  The stock plummeting, the ratings following suit.  Layoffs every month. 

 

Insecurity aint my cup of tea.

 

Each day this last month has been increasingly stressful.  The unknown is the killer. 

 

I don’t like Mondays anymore.