LindseyMommy's Blog

My Life in the Sandbox

Forever August 2, 2010

Filed under: Ava — lindseymommy @ 1:47 pm

Yesterday I watched a friend of mine experience what every parent’s nightmares are made of: the wake of his young daughter.

It was an hour of waiting outside of the funeral home in the sunshine, and then an hour winding around the rooms inside, to get to the family. Once you were inside, there were posters full of pictures, like at any wake, except these pictures were full of baby girls and little girls, adolescent girls and teenaged girls.

In the deceased girl’s face, in every picture, I saw my daughter. Baby. Little girl with braids in princess gown and crown. Chubby little fingers. Chubby little cheeks. Hugs with mommy and daddy. Sesame Place. Disney world. Beach. Hours of video playing while we crept toward our turn to greet the family. As a mother, you kn ow what it feels like to hold that little baby on your hip. You know how it feels to bring her to these places, and how precious those memories are. You know how it feels to watch them grow into their own person.

The casket was closed, and I am so thankful for that. For the family more than anything. I don’t think they could have handled it.

I went home, after hours and hours of sadness. I held my little girl to my chest, stroked her chubby cheeks, grasped her chubby little fingers, both of which have thinned out almost unrecognizably in recent months, and I said a little prayer of thanks. I felt her warmth against me, knowing my friend couldn’t do this with his daughter, but I could. And I didn’t want to waste another moment of loving her.

You hear it, all the time. Each day is a gift. In the doldrums of the day to day routines and fights and battles to mold this small person, you lose that perspective so easily. It’s a burden, sometimes, to wipe that little nose, or hold her close as she has yet another dramafest for her 6th insignificant boo boo of the afternoon. As she mocks you or tells you no, or loses your ring, or any number of the things that these small people do. It’s so easy to forget that these people are gifts to us. And these times, even though they can be the toughest, are still such a blessing. Because they are who they are. And they are there, and you can hear their voice and hold their bodies close, and tell them how much you love them. What if you couldn’t?

By the grace of God or this universe, or by pure luck, I pray I will get to see my daughter grow up. Keep shooting up taller every month and watch her body grow and change and experience her as she learns more and more about this life and the world around her. The good, bad, ugly. I want to be with her as she gets ready for prom, and her wedding (if she has one). I want to be by her side and watch her live her life. To be an adult and find her happiness. To have guided her all along.

So selfishly, I think. I want to never suffer as my friend is suffering today. I don’t ever want to know another day without my daughter.


Thankful, again July 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 6:34 pm

Today we got really bad news.

One of my teammates, his daughter passed.   Yesterday she went to the ER, they found a blood clot on her lung.   Today she died.    He has three daughters, he raised himself, and they are his whole world.  He talks about them constantly, worships them. She was the youngest – 20 yrs old.

The email came out and all you heard around the office were gasps and sobs. 

I cannot imagine the heartache of losing a child.

Ava is my whole world. She is my everything.   

The painful reality is, anything can happen, at any time. You just don’t ever know.   You never, ever know.

I called her, at school, just to hear her voice, and tonight, I held her extra tight and kissed her cheeks lots extra.  I am so thankful for her.   She is everything to me.  

I cannot imagine what my friend is living through in this moment, this day.   Twenty years of raising this child into a woman.  How can you ever pick your life back up, how can you carry on, when your heart is that  broken.    What a nightmare. 

When my friend died, too young, she left three babies behind.  When a parent dies, the kids, they may be broken, but they can live. THey can have lives and families and bright futures.   How can a parent lose their child and have any hope, any happiness with that hole left in their life?

Any parent knows what I am talking about.  It is every parents worst nightmare, losing their child.  

I am so heavy with sadness and worry tonight.


Trying again July 23, 2010

Filed under: Baby — lindseymommy @ 2:59 pm

For months and months – well over a year, we’ve been trying for a baby.

There have been cycles that we haven’t tried for one reason or another (surgery, sickness, etc).   

Last month we tried, no go.  We’re back in “cycle week” again this week and I can’t help, even after all these unsucessful cycles, to hope with all of my heart that this will be our month. 

It’s such a hard cycle of ups and downs, trying to conceive for so long.  You hope for 3 weeks each month, thinking, this is the month.  I know it worked.   You carefully schedule time with your husband, to optimize your chances.  And then, your hopes are dashed the instant your period arrives.   Doesn’t help your PMS.

I lost use of my right ovary and tube ofter my first surgery in March 2009.  So half of the months we try, we know the chances are slim to none.  But we still have to try. 

I want a baby in my arms, MY baby,  and I want a sibling for Ava, a biological child for Michael that he can experience from “go”.  I know the joy we’d all have if this happens.  Our families too. 

So now, fingers crossed for the next 2.5 weeks.


A little bit psychic – and, OW!!! July 21, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 7:01 am

Sometimes I am a little bit psychic.   I will get a little premonition when something’s about to go very wrong. I had one when Ava got hurt when she was small by a teacher at school.   I had one last night.  But I thought it was my husband who was going to get hurt.

I was climbing into the shower, right after Ava’s bath, and I slipped on the wet floor.  headfirst toward the tub.  Now, we just bought this house and there is a frame around the tub for shower doors – but no doors.  We’re going to take down the frame but haven’t gotten there yet.  My c section scar landed right on the edge of the frame.  head hit the tub.  I felt like my scar opened.    All I could do was scream.   And I couldn’t stop crying, not for almost an hour after – it was so frightening.  I laid there, caught, unable to move, thinking my belly had been sliced open.   It was awful.

It did open, a little, on the right side.  that’s how hard I hit, my 5 yr old scar came open a little.  I can barely move today.  Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.   Good thing I was scheduled for remote work today.


Kendra July 20, 2010

Filed under: Ava — lindseymommy @ 12:46 pm


I wrote this last year.  It’s time to share it.


When Kendra was sick, she used to say “When this is over, I want another baby. A girl. A ‘new life’ baby.” I thought it was funny that she’d want another little person, already having three small, loud, demanding little ones. But I would laugh and dare to hope, as she did, that she would be well, and we’d welcome that new life baby and enjoy the heck out of her and celebrate. (And live happily ever after, the end.)

Five years ago right now I was packing to move into my OWN condo. I was happy to be on my own and so excited to be back down the street from her. I couldn’t wait for her to help me shop and decorate. To have coffee together and to play with the kids. Five years ago right now she was safely in between treatments. Packing for a trip to Disney World with her husband Brian and the kids. About to buy her first big beautiful house which she had waited a lifetime to do. About to celebrate her oldest daughter’s 12th birthday. Her little boy also – about to be six. It would also be just over a month away from the second anniversary of her diagnosis – of her beginning of her fight with Stage Four Lung Cancer.

I was there the day she got the phone call, the results of the biopsy. I will never forget being there that day, as she called the kids into the living room, and I asked if she wanted me to leave, and she said no. I was there when she told her children that she was sick.

I was a little less than there physically, but always in heart, while she endured chemo treatments and radiation. As she lost her hair, bought a wig, she was too fatigued to spend much time off the couch. The battle for her life waxed and waned and she prepared all of us, she wrote letters, she told us of her love for us, she prepared journals and albums. She remained optimistic, throughout. She held on to hope, never wanting to face the reality of leaving her children. She never let me consider that she wasn’t going to get well. The only time we spoke of the possibility that she wouldn’t , she was candid – “Andrew will be okay -though it breaks my heart that he will barely remember me. Brian will move on, he’ll be okay too. Kaleigh will do just fine, she’ll be sad right away but she will bounce back and live her life. I only worry about Lindsey. She will take it the hardest and I wish I knew that she will be okay.”

April 30, 2004. I moved into my condo. Mom and I were in the kitchen, putting things away, and I will never forget when she casually mentioned, “Brian called. Kendra went in the hospital today. This time, she won’t be leaving.” I do not remember anything after that.

I do remember it was a Friday. And I had taken the following Monday off because of the move. I remember her sister calling me to ask me to babysit over the next few days. I don’t remember talking to Brian. I remember the Sunday, May 2, crying with mom in the car on the way to and from the hospital. They wouldn’t even let us in to see her but I could hear her in the hallway and I nearly died myself – hearing the moaning and the crying and the pain. I remember Jen’s tired calm. I remember Brian’s frazzled, tired, not calm. I remember leaving thinking – I am not even going to get to say goodbye to my dear, dear friend.

I remember Monday, watching Andrew all day, my heart breaking over and over – or just broken already and raw. Knowing what was happening, how his life was about to change forever, and knowing where she was and what she was enduring. For her, I suffered. For them, for those children, I wanted to die right along with her. And I knew that that was why she loved me as much as she did – because of how much I loved her children. It was Andrew’s voice Monday, Andrew who said “Come visit mommy with me tonight, Big Lindsey! You should come and see Mommy.”

Monday night, I asked a friend to take me – I made Brian promise me I’d get to see her. We got to the hospital, between 6 and 6:30 and her immediately family wasn’t there – they were downstairs in the cafeteria eating dinner. Aunts and uncles were upstairs and they knew me and welcomed me and I got to go to her. I crossed the room alone to her. I don’t remember if I touched her or not. But I remember her face – it wasn’t her. Almost as soon as I saw her, those few painful, awkward, excruciating moments of knowing that her body was there, but her soul would not be for much longer – the nurses came in and ushered us out. I was in the hallway, knowing I would never hear my friend’s voice again, or feel her hug, or look in her eyes. And within a minute a nurse rushed out and said “It’s time to get the family. They are downstairs eating. Not the kids, don’t bring the kids back up.” And I was off. Racing down to the cafeteria. Finding her mom. Patting her on the shoulder – them very loudly wondering “Who will stay with the kids?” I volunteered. I didn’t feel it was my place to be there when she left us. I felt like being with the children would be where she’d want me. So, I sat. Talked to the kids. Watched them finish their dinners. My head was everywhere but in the present with them. I was seeing their future. I was seeing their past. I was grieving for her. For them. For myself.

It was an eternity and a moment that they were gone. And then they were back. And I rushed to her mom, and she said, “She’s gone.” And I couldn’t say anything but “No!” as the hot tears that I’d held all night while trying to be there for her children came down. Her leaving, it was inevitable. There wouldn’t have been any other outcome that day. But the finality – it was still a shock and it still hurt so much. Donna, Kendra’s mother hugged me quickly – sobbing- then gathered the kids – “Mommy’s gone.” Their faces. I’ll never forget, especially Lindsey’s face. We got in the elevator all together. My friend and I got off at the parking level. They continued up to ” Say goodbye to Mommy.” It was not my place to go with them, and I had nothing left in me to walk back in that room with. The car clock said “7:21”.

And my life has never been the same.

Three months later, I was pregnant. My heart ached for missing my friend and for not sharing this time with her. For not having her to turn to. The mother “role model” in my life – gone. I didn’t know what to do without her and every step along the way hurt without her there to share it. I’d hear myself saying things to my daughter, certain words, certain tones, and my heart would skip – it was pieces of her in me, coming out in my mothering. In those moments, I’d be so happy and sad, all at once. I wonder every day what she would think of me now. I imagine what we’d discuss if she was only a phone call away. I dream about her all the time, and in my dreams she’s alive, and it was just a mistake that I had thought that she’d died, we still had more time together. I wake from these dreams with a sadness that is not easy to shake.

Five years and one month after my friend died, I sat on Donna’s porch, between the two girls, Kaleigh 17, Lindsey 14, grown up. Teenagers. Mature bodies, mature young women. Not children anymore. Grown into strong, beautiful women. I look from one side to the other and I cannot believe that these little girls survived the hand they were dealt and are sitting, whole and wonderful, at my side. Kaleigh’s face, it’s like seeing Kendra again. Lindsey’s smile is so geniune and I remember the little girl she was. Andrew, across the room, has his dad’s laugh, but his mom’s freckles. He’s 11. I remember the first time I saw him, held him, two days after he was born. His first steps. How she’d wrap him in his blue blankie and cuddle him when he was sick or tired.

The children are fine. They’ve struggled, they’ve hurt, but they’ve grown despite, into these beautiful people who she would give ANYTHING to see. I would have, in that moment, given anything to have her there with us to see the kids, all grown, all fine. She would be so proud. My heart was so full of pride and sadness and happiness it nearly burst.

And there was my daughter, four, Andrew’s age when Kendra was sick, with curly hair and a profile so stunningly similar to little Lindsey’s, playing between all of us, making us laugh and reminding us how life goes on. My baby who Kendra never held but I believe hand picked and sent straight to me, as her gift. The baby who was meant to teach me to move on, to be happy, to celebrate life. Her “new life” baby.


Friends July 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 9:47 pm

So it’s been quite a month of friendship activity…

An old friend, one that was with me through thick and thin throughout my whole life, and then “dropped out” suddenly two years ago, is back. And engaged. And we’re plugging along.  Figuring it out.  Proceeding cautiously.

And another old friend, one who was with me throughout my pregnancy and through Ava’s first four years, and I are ironing some things out between us.  Even a few other friends from this era are back in touch.  These women, they were my parenting partners.  I can’t imagine what my life alone with Ava would have been without them.   I am thankful to be chatting with all of them again. 
I’m thankful for them. 

I’m thankful that I have a friend at work who has been through so much with me these last few months.  She supports me. She lifts me up.  And it’s some heavy lifting these days.  Major. 

Thankful, thankful, thankful.

We’re happily in our new house, happily going about our little lives.  Ava is in her new daycare and gearing up for Kindergarten in a month. My baby’s getting big.

My work is killing me.  Seriously.  Even sometimes, like today, when I can make it through the day laughing at the incredibly extremely painful goings-on, when I sign on at night, something will kick my ass.  Hard.  Or just the events catch up with me and overwhelm me.    I feel so defeated, and knowing I have to get up again tomorrow and fight like hell, again, and be defeated, again.  I feel like I’m being eaten alive.  But my job is to fight. Literally, that’s why I get a paycheck.   To fight.

Blah.  I wish I still drank 🙂


So sorry… but I love fall. November 4, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — lindseymommy @ 6:47 pm

Things here are insanely busy.  I’m working 24/7 and trying to get enough rest in between.


In the mornings, at 4, I’m driving in in the cool crisp air, the leaves are all changing colors, falling off the trees, everything is getting ready for winter. I love the chill in the air, I love the frosty air.  I love the foliage. I love New England in the fall.  I love just needing a fleece jacket, if any at all.


I don’t like the holiday season very much – I tend to dig my heels in, hard, before it comes.  And savor every moment with the leaves falling and the gorgeous sunrises after the time change.


So even though I’m literally going absolutely fucking mental at work these days, I love my time NOT at work all the more. 


Got the OPKs.  Am ovulating.  Will see what happens! 


I’ve had a lot of anger this week. But it seems once I hit a point of being angry, some undefined threshold of anger, things just roll off of me.  So I just need to learn how to better manage my anger till I get to that point (doesn’t take long!!!) 


I’m at the bosslady’s house tonight, for a couple of drinks and a debrief of this very intense week.  She’s on the phone, getting the skinny on some scoopage.  Soon, we’ll do some ab work and maybe watch a bit of my wedding video. 


Another thing that’s going on is that I’ve decided that with my christmas money, I’m getting electrolysis.  Brows. Stache.  Not eager for the pain, but glad for no more waxing, etc.